My family expects me to solve everything.

Dear B, My family constantly calls me for help with everything from organising appointments to borrowing money and dealing with relationships. It’s a never-ending cycle of crises. Sometimes I refuse, but it creates resentment. It’s always one-sided and stressful when my phone rings or a message comes because it’s always a want or need. I want it to stop. I never ask for anything because the favours are never returned and they never follow up. Nothing happens unless I arrange it myself. How can I say no without everyone hating me?

It sounds like your family has massive expectations, because you solve each immediate problem, nobody needs to develop their own arrangements. Your stress is understandable, and will continue until your availability changes. You must separate genuine emergencies from responsibilities that belong to others. Welcome the next request as a test of your new boundary, if it’s not a genuine emergency, casually say you can’t help this time. Don’t over explain why, but give your opinion of what they should do. It’s important not to outline everything you’ve already done for them, that would only turn your boundary into an argument. Your family may object since their current arrangement is ideal, their objection doesn’t mean that your boundary is unreasonable. Remember, urgent help is very different from assuming that you are a bank, or a nanny. You’re not choosing between solving and abandoning, merely deciding which responsibilities are genuinely yours. You may be surprised how resilient your family will become.

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